therpmemes:

       john mulaney: kid gorgeous   → sentence starters

slightly edited in some cases to work for rp purposes.
feel free to change phrasing or pronouns to fit your muse(s)!

• ❝ Let’s change the subject! ❞
• ❝ This is a weird conversation and I want to talk about a book I read about World War II.❞
  
• ❝ Whoever did kill her only did it to protect her from this world. ❞
  
• ❝ Ah, none of us really know their fathers. ❞
  
• ❝ I was sitting over on the bench. ❞
  
• ❝ You saw what happened and did nothing! ❞
  
• ❝ Sometimes, he was gay. ❞
  
• ❝ When he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work. ❞
  
• ❝ I never talked to my dad about that but I figured I’d tell you. ❞
  
• ❝ Freebasing is the greatest orgasm known to man. ❞
  
• ❝ I’ve been sober now two weeks. Well, weekdays, not weekends. ❞
  
• ❝ What was so funny? I wanna know. ❞
  
• ❝ None of that matters but it’s important to me that you know that.  ❞
  
• ❝ Phonebooks don’t leave bruises. ❞
• ❝ Give us some money! As a gift! We want a gift! But only if it’s money! ❞
  
• ❝ I thought I’d be dead in a trunk by now. ❞
  
• ❝ You spent it already?! ❞
  
• ❝ Where’s the money? ❞
  
• ❝ I lived on cigarettes and alcohol and adderall. ❞
  
• ❝ Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep? ❞
  
• ❝ That’s illegal! They tricked me! ❞
  
• ❝ I paid 120,000 dollars for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen and then I didn’t!❞
  
• ❝ If it’s too big you can just wear it as a sleep-shirt. ❞
  
• ❝ Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? ❞
  
• ❝ Jokes don’t do well in court. ❞
• ❝ I’m in the phase right before Old. ❞
  
• ❝ I am damp all the time. ❞
  
• ❝ I am gross. ❞
  
• ❝ UGHHHHH – you know, life. ❞
  
• ❝ I don’t know what my body is for, other than just taking my head from room to room. ❞
  
• ❝ I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason. ❞
  
• ❝ Let’s just not see each other for eight months and it doesn’t matter at all. ❞
• ❝ I was raised to be nice to everyone in every situation because you never know their story. ❞
  
• ❝ A lot of people don’t seem that nice and they seem to be doing fine in the world. ❞
  
• ❝ Not everyone thinks the same things are nice. ❞
  
• ❝ Famous people are weird as shit. ❞
  
• ❝ Your suspicions are correct. ❞
• ❝ I say ‘knock-knock’ out loud.❞
  
• ❝ The world is run by robots and we spend most of our time telling them we’re not a robot. ❞
  

• ❝ Think about that for two minutes and tell me that you don’t want to walk into the ocean.❞

• ❝ It seems like everyone everywhere is super mad about everything all the time. ❞
• ❝ I try to stay optimistic even though things seem to be getting a little sticky. ❞
  
• ❝ I don’t remember that in Hamilton. ❞
  
• ❝ I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting. ❞
• ❝ What do you think they’re celebrating? ❞
  
• ❝ I wasn’t raised catholic and I’m fucking glad I wasn’t because it’s a fucked up organization. ❞
  
• ❝ That should be the slogan of the catholic church: It’s an hour! ❞
  
• ❝ God can’t hear you. ❞
• ❝ First of all, get out of here with your facts. Just ‘cause you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting. ❞
  

• ❝ A charming anecdote that was fake and never happened. ❞

• ❝

  These meaningless politeness rules! ❞

• ❝

  I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her. ❞

• ❝

  My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.

  ❞ 

• ❝

  I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change.

  ❞

• ❝ I was in Connecticut recently, doing white people stuff. ❞

• ❝ Brush your teeth! Now boom, orange juice! That’s life. ❞

• ❝ College is a $120,000 hooker and you’re the idiot who fell in love with her.❞

• ❝ STREET SMARTS! ❞

• ❝ He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin. ❞