“Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You’re gonna love it!”
“Oh…my….God!”
“How long do cats live? Like assuming you don’t throw ‘em under a bus or something?”
“You know how you come home at the end of the day and throw your jacket on a chair? Well, instead of a jacket, it’s a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it’s a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it’s the end of time and garbage is all that has survived.”
“Guys, goes what?!”
“Ok, the fifth dentist caved and now they’re ALL recommending Trident?”
“WHOOOPAH!”
“Sure I peed on her. And if I had to, I’d pee on any one of you!”
“He must decide. He must decide. Even though I made him up, he must decide!”
“Here come the meat sweats…”
“Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.”
“All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don’t input those numbers…it doesn’t make much of a difference.”
“Well, I’m sorry if I’m not a middle-aged black woman. And I’m also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition.”
“Hey, [insert character name here] I got a science question: If the homo sapiens were, in fact, HOMO sapiens…is that why they’re extinct?”
“Come on [insert character name here], you’re a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.”
“Fifteen Yemen Road, Yemen.”
“Well, when I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.”
“THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!”
“Yeah, I definitely don’t like the name [insert character name here].”
“What a weird way to kick me when I’m down.”
“It’s a moo point. It’s like a cow’s opinion; it doesn’t matter. It’s moo.”
“Uh, uh, we’ll flip for it, ducks or clowns?”
“Oh, we’re gonna flip for the baby?”
“We have to assign heads to something!”
“Right, okay, okay, uhhh, ducks is heads, because ducks…have heads.”
“What kinda scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?!”
“I remember the day I got my first paycheck, there was a cave-in in one of the mines.”
“You worked in a mine?”
“No I worked in a Dairy Queen.”
“You could not be any more wrong. You could try, but you would not be successful.”
“You’ve been BAMBOOZLED!”
“Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch’s eyebrows are actually on his hat?”
“You think that’s what’s weird? [insert character name here], the man’s been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.”
“Paper…snow…a ghost!!!”
“[insert character name here] entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and WON!”
“[insert character name here] came fourth and CRIED!”
“We don’t know how long we’re gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.”
“And condoms are the way to do that?”
“[insert character name here] wrote something about me on that paper and I want to see it!”
“It was summer…and it was hot. Rachel was there…A lonely grey couch…’OH LOOK!’ cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The End.”
“So, uh, what did the insurance company say?”
“Oh, they said uh, ‘You don’t have insurance here so stop calling us.’”
“Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.”
“So basically you get your ya-yas from taking money from all of your friends?”
“Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less, so…”
“My motto is get out before they go down.”
“That is so not my motto.”
“Oh are you setting [insert character name here] up with someone? Does he/she/they have a wedding dress?”
“Hey, [insert character name here], look, I’m melting butter.”
“That’s great, [insert character name here]. You now have the cooking skills of a hot day.”
“I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
“I swear to god, [insert character name here]. That’s not how they measure pants!”
“Hey, you know what I just realized? ‘Joker’ is ‘poker’ with a ‘J’. Coincidence?”
“Hey, that’s ‘joincidence’ with a ‘C’.”
“Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she’s like, the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!”
“Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.”
“Suppose we’re a divorced couple.”
“And I got custody of the kid, right? Now, suppose the kid dies and I gotta buy a new kid.”
“Raspberries? Good. Ladyfingers? Good. Beef? GOOD!”
“[insert character name here]. I sensed it was you.”
“‘Unagi’. I’m always aware.”
“Are you aware that unagi is an eel?”
“DANGER!”
“Ah, salmon skin roll.”
“Okay, is everybody clear? We’re gonna pick it up and move it. All we need is teamwork, okay? We’re gonna lift the car … and slide it out. Life … and slide.”
“Could I BE wearing any more clothes?”
“[insert character’s name here in all caps] DOESN’T SHARE FOOD.”
“Hey, just so you know: it’s NOT that common, it DOESN’T ‘happen to every guy’, and it IS a big deal!”
“They’re still not coming on man! And the lotion and the powder have made a paste!”
“Fine, Judge all you want but YOU married a lesbian, YOU left a man at the alter, YOU fell in love with a gay ice dancer, YOU threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire, and YOU LIVE IN A BOX!”
“Pi-VOT!!”
TheWanderingSunset2 